An open letter to the Government, Mr Prime Minister

Dear Mr Singh – as you prepare to go on your US trip there will be many a ‘faryaad’ in yours and Mr Khursheed’s mailbox (I assume he will be accompanying you).

And of course I also assume Mr John Kerry will also be meeting both of you and I, as a humble Indian citizen have a suggestion - please do carry some CDs to help him and his government put some “zing” into their data patternizing which is being dealt strong punches by that, that President of… Brazil! Hah, what do they have except for the mardi gras and beauties on beautiful beaches!! We are so much better we are an IT Superpower (doesn’t matter if our superpowers are based on our body slave trade shopping expertise).

BTW patterns is a cute word and reading this article is a shame:Officials play down snooping on Indian missions in USEspecially terms like intent, technology and Mr K's shitewashed statement 
And of course do not forget to mention this to President Obama. BTW I call him Big Barack, a slight take on Big Brother considering the global mischief he is into and of course he is following the role to the ‘T’, sorry ‘B’.

I shall make this short without poking any fun at the joint statement of Messrs Khursheed and Kerry after they had examined the NSA program and found it was only intercepting (unlawfully) the internet traffic from India for patterns – curly, wavy, sadhna cut, booti, dhoti, pyajama… patterns. And they say these patterns would provide them with terror intel. 

Man, was I impressed with the explanation! So impressed, in fact, that I had to go to the loo for a puke and then # 2. 

No sir, I was not impressed, I was overwhelmed by the shi#intelligence of my Minister.

I recently read a book 'kiss my as%' and that was less smelly than this

Time and again I have professed the need to intercept traffic in Sulabh shauchalya too and your office does not seem to listen. It is in one’s most private moments that the most profane thoughts are unleashed (ask Mr O or Mr K and they will say “Yaah”). That is the place where a suicide bomber will strap on, or from where they can have their private communion. And… you, the government, is not listening. Just carry some unlawful or lawful traffic and share with them and let the white man reveal the knowledge therein.

Believe me this is the stuff that the “pattern” statement of Messrs K and K was made of. The real McCoy that bulls create!

Anyway – I want to come to the main point of my letter and this BS is getting smelly.

Sir, I want you to please give me a pipe to smoke too, a pipe which reaches into the dark abyss of the Government machinery and infrastructure and allows me to capture all the data and the non-data which traverses the country’s Internet. I want to see, smell, hear and store what the Indian citizen is saying, eating, drinking, copulating, crapping or whatever. And – then I want to build the largest leakiest data center in the Thar desert.

Why leakiest you may ask. Theek Hai I shall share this gyaan – when the country is being raped why should I run! Why spend money on making it secure when it has got to go or it has got to be given – for patternizing!

I know this is for the good of the country – the rape I mean. And of course, since we are a declared banana republic (this is my assumption since no one in Government opposed this declaration-in-law) we cannot expect any ‘headly’ in cooperation or access.

Accha do you know why? It is because JFK said this long ago – “Yours is not to question why. Yours is but to lie back and get it and give it all – why ? we are USA, we are the land of the free, we are the change and the protectors of the world – we are the Masters of the Universe

My apologies for digressing, and to come back to my request to pull traffic information a la NSA’s Prism – please be assured I shall do a lot of patronizing patternizing. And believe me I shall do a better job – first I shall call my program Padhaar from Pattern or Paad (depending on what you are looking for – BS is data or BS in explanation).

Since I am Indian I too have a ‘jalebi’ mentality and my DNA is tuned to corrupt, unlawful practices. Having travelled on potholed roads and with a short temper which is ideal for road rage, a propensity of launching into ‘maa behan gaalis’ at the slightest provocation, living in the fast lane on a bullock cart and so much more that make up my being as ‘khaalis’ as  can be. All this and more make me qualified for extracting the gyaan and a-gyaan from the pipes I shall plug in.

You may ask – why me? And to clear the doubts of any agyaani gyaani I shall say that if my Government can legitimize a state sponsored espionage operation by accepting their patronizing ‘pattern’ and not utter a ‘choo’ – WHY NOT ME !

I am an Indian citizen and have that non-mandatory Aadhaar. I shall only look at patterns and not do any spying or anti national analysis. And if any CM or President from any of the states or countries objects you will be well within your rights to tell them to fly cattle class to wherever they belong because we would not be spying, we are only collecting patterns .. tra, la la, la la..

So Mr PM, Gyaaniji, thank you for your strong individualistic leadership and your grasp on things economic. I sincerely hope you will provide me with the pipe, or better still, why not a public pipe where anyone can plug himself/herself. The thought behind this is simple – why not share our crown jewels, state secrets, and strategic plans et al with the mango people when firangs are already enjoying them, our national treasures. They are doing this without asking for permission, and here I am asking… am being honest and ethical.

Besides, when a foreigner can rape my motherland and be accepted for it I am just asking for a ringside view of the sordid happening.

Me, and many other countrymen will be very pleased to have the opportunity to dipstick the mess that flows through the data cables and have our local fun in creating ‘patterns’ which will help identification of sulabh and a-sulabh terror cells which may wreak foul viruses in the air that will attack olfactory senses of our populace. Even the latest Bollywood song is an oblique reference to this need where it says “kitna maja aa raha hai kyon ki tu ne hawa main bhang mila di”

My best wishes for your meeting with the Big Bro’ and I look forward towards your and Mr K’s contribution to haha highly connected world where open and transparent systems exist and we can freely allow anyone to probe the holes in our chaddis and cement a chaddi buddi patternship.

Yours in patterns
Dinesh O Bareja

(wannabe chaddi holes voyeur)

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